I'm supposed to be at a meeting now. I can't bring myself to attend it.
It's been raining non-stop since Sat evening and it's Mon morning right now. I had to come to work early to start by day by reading the papers. Not exactly the way I'd like to start my week to be honest, but that's all I've got.

The great thing is I had a wonderful weekend. No it wasn't spent partying or going out or anything like that.
I spent it at home. Sleeping and watching movies at home all cuddled up in bed. It was perfect.

As much as I love to party, socialise and make new friends or chill out with my friends, I love being a homebody. I love doing nothing at home. Done with all the household chores (ie the dreaded laundry, ironing, cleaning etc) and just watching mindless tv while I veg out in front of the tv.

I feel like I've been through this incredibly long train journey and I'm taking a pit stop. I recently caught up with some friends of mine. They are all moving out of Singapore. One was getting psyched for her 18th birthday another for her 20th and another for her 21st. And before I knew it I sounded like my mom. They were so excited. And I started rambling about how I was exactly the same. There used to be something to look forward to. For my 18th was going clubbing and drinking alcohol, legally. for my 21st it was watching whatever movie I wanted to (and drinking alcohol legally in the USA - it's really pain that they don't recognise any international ID besides my passport) After my 21st birthday I can honestly say I have not been excited or looked forward to getting a year older. This year it struck me the dreaded 30s are creeping up on me soon. And honestly I have nothing to show for it. What can I possibly say that I achieved in ten years? Nothing really.

I feel kind of useless really. On top of that, everyone I know is slipping away from me. It brings tears to my eyes. And this heavy downtrodden feeling in the pit of my stomach. When I was away in the US of A for a very brief period of time, it struck me hard that a birthday isn't a birthday unless it's with the people I love. A day isn't special unless the people you spend it with are special to you.

I try really hard to keep in touch with as many friends as I possibly can. Even more so after that very hard lesson I learnt. And I have this gnawing disappointment. I send my friends emails. SMS-es. Facebook msges. Watsapp msges. The older I get the less my "friends" reply me. Sometimes they reply me a day later, sometimes a week, sometimes a month, sometimes none at all. Sometimes we bump into each other a year later. Sometimes more. I'm not stupid. I know that we prioritise people in our life. Giving more time, effort and attention to those we perceive are closer to us or of more "value" to us. But why not reciprocrate? Why not try to sustain a friendship?

I can't even begin to describe the incredible sadness I feel when people tell me that they are too busy to catch up/hang out w me. We're in the same country sometimes and I meet up more with my friends who are abroad. To me it just means you don't care to sustain this relationship. I completely understand if you're married with kids but even those people seem to have more time than those "friends" studying or working or i have no clue what they are doing because we don't catch up anymore. And the gap just widens as we drift further and further apart. As much as I enjoy making new friends, they have their own group of friends and it's so incredibly hard to click with people who are on the same wavelength as you are, like similar stuff or people you can just have amazing conversation with.

At the end of it all, I just miss you & you & you & you (& many more). I wish I could turn back time.