There's quite a bit I wanna say.

Firstly, today I attended a one day course called "Building relationships using your assertive skill" now my boss wanted very much for me to attend this. Frankly, I thought I didn't need it at first. But damn I learnt quite a bit.

One of the things we had to do at the end was to write nice things about as many people in the class. Later we were asked to choose the best ones and read it out. I barely knew anyone and the woman sitting beside was particularly tough to say one nice thing for. The things that ran through my head was
1. bitch
2. irritating
3. talkative
4. bloody rude

So finally I settled for "speaks up easily" and voila she chose to read this as one of those she liked most. I almost fainted. But its funny how talkative can be replaced with speaks up easily. Or stubborn can be replaced with determined/ perservered. Lazy can be consciousness averse. And the list goes on.

So anyway, I figured I wouldn't get anything decent. But this is what people said about me.

1. u dress well! (this totally made my day i always wish ppl would tell me tt especially on days i bother to figure out what to wear but i almost never get this)
2. read with loud and clear voice - nice (this reminded me of the days in pri/sec sch where we had english oral and the teachers would embarrass me by saying how wonderfully i read..bla bla...never knew whether they were telling the truth or mocking me)
3. To Meliza - nice to meet you (thank you no idea who wrote this, we weren't supposed to write names but same to u, dun think thats a nice trait abt me though)
4. tense (hello what part of nice stuff dun u get, oh the annoying lady got one person who described her as WEIRD awahhaha)
5. sensible (how the hell did the person figure this i have no clue but thankew)
6. Melissa - attentive, nice & cheerful (this is very sweet but remember if anyone describes u as NICE its bad, basically u havent made an impression to give them a decent description, think about it if u say someone is nice its coz u have nothing else to say yea? COME ON CONFESS)

So all in all I was rather taken aback and it has totally made my day. Completely erased the annoying lady. What ticked me off was how rudely she spoke to a fellow groupmate. If you picked the lot for roleplaying doesn't mean u dun have to think! She said rudely that well I'm doing the roleplay u think. Later she used the excuse (i had to think of something coz obviously she's stupid) that she didn't know the subject matter. Bloody moron that's why ppl asked u right. I had an urge to tick her off really bad but I figured I shall remain as unnoticeable as possible which always seems rather impossible in classes I attend. Being indian and having the name melissa seems to get lecturers to call my name as many times as possible. Damn it. Was great having another melissa in class ;) albeit spelt differently. (we were in jenner 1 such sweet memories of stealing other ppl's food i have!!)

Anyway, I learnt so much today. I'm juz gobsmacked.
I realised that I barely know anyone who's truly assertive. Most people I know are passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive. Very interesting. And apparently my personality profile type is an eagle or a D. I think its rather inaccurate so I'll get back to you on this. Supposedly someone who is

- No nonsense & direct
- winning
- not easily discouraged
- difficulty saying i'm sorry
- urgency keen to get results
- difficulty relaxing
- corrects mistakes
- enjoys authority/ decisiveness
- does not like to be constrained

quite a few can be refuted. So...oh well.

On to my next major point, the past couple of weeks I've felt an unbearable almost unbelievable sense of loneliness coupled with a sense of immense loss. My parents have been away in China/ HK. They've done this a few times and usually I'm psyched coz I get the house to myself and all that jazz. But now its painful to come home late, tired after a crap day. The people I spend most of my time with have their own lives. And it hit me very bad.

I always miss them terribly but not as bad its been getting worse as I get older and I realise that the people I have around me are few much fewer than ever. Not only are they few that's fine really coz the relationships are much deeper than they ever have been and I'd take that over a superficial one anyway. But the fact is everyone no matter how close you are have their own lives. They may not necessarily be free or be there when you need them very badly or you just need someone by your side very badly. I really don't think its them more of myself. Something inside me has stopped being incredibly feminist like, independent, ra-ra etc.

Sometimes I'm fully aware that I have to open myself up and start communicating but the irony is I'm in communications but i suck at communicating about stuff that is really impt to me or affects me in my personal life. Absolute rubbish. I can't bring myself to talk to people and I keep thinking that I'm bothering them with such nonsense so I clam up and talk abt ridiculously superficial crap like the weather, what they ate etc. hope i'm not alone in this. It happens all the time in my life. Hopefully with the new "assertive" skills i've learnt this improves. Keep me posted guys...juz tell it to my face.

I wonder what are all the negative impressions people have when they first see me...hmmm...wish someone would tell me.